*SPOILERS* New cutscene dialog for "Insanity"

[matt]

I revisited the asylum dialog with similar intentions to the first cutscene. Here's the old:

Thomas: Gabby, what's going on?
Gabby: Please address me as Dr. Smith.
Thomas: But you're my sister!
Gabby: No, I'm your doctor, and you're in a mental asylum.
Thomas: Why am I here?
Gabby: Why do YOU think you're here?
Thomas: I don't know...
Gabby: We've reached the end of our session. Please see yourself out.

Here's the new:

Thomas: Gabby, what's going on?
Gabby: I've told you repeatedly to address me as Dr. Smith.
Thomas: But you're my sister!
Gabby: I'm afraid you are mistaken.
Thomas: Where… Where am I?
Gabby: You're in a lunatic asylum and have been for quite some time.
Thomas: Why am I here?
Gabby: Why do YOU think you're here?
Thomas: I don't know...
Gabby: We've reached the end of our session. Please see yourself out.

Here are some of my own thoughts. While "No, I'm your doctor, and you're in a mental asylum." didn't seem so bad on paper, when I heard my wife read it, I knew it was wrong. Both Gagaplex and JPrice pointed out that the line was poor.

I stole Jprice's idea of cementing the fact that he's been in the asylum for a while. I thought that was a nice touch.

A few responses to comments in the previous thread.
1) I have had the same shrink for I think 10 years now, and I still refer to him as Dr. XXXX, so I don't think he'd be a on a first name basis with Dr. Smith.
2) I totally realize that "Why am I here?" "Why do YOU think you're here?" seems weird, but that is a thing that shrinks actually do. I had a therapist a while ago who would NEVER answer any questions, and just turn them around back at me. It was annoying as all hell. "What do you think?" "Why do you want to know what I think?" "Because I'd like someone else's opinion on the situation." "Why?" "GO F*#$ YOURSELF!!!!! GRRR" hahahah Maybe I'll include that exchange in the next cutscene. :-/
3) "I don't know..." "We've reached the end of our session. Please see yourself out." Is super abrupt, but that's on purpose.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking. Any thoughts? I made both cutscenes longer, which I'm not SUPER thrilled about, but I would agree they flow better, and it's hard to trim them down any more.

Thanks!

[Grabthehoopka]

Hmmm...as with the last conversation, the creative writing part of my brain is just aching to rewrite the whole thing, but...it seems like you're going for a Fight Club/Usual Suspects thing, where the whole meaning of it changes once you understand what's really going on, so...I feel like I'd be better off waiting to suggest changes until I've played through the whole thing, but I know that doesn't help you much.

[miumiaou]

these lines seems perfect to me.

[matt]

Hmmm...as with the last conversation, the creative writing part of my brain is just aching to rewrite the whole thing

I think it would be hard to rewrite it because I am trying to express very particular things that may not even be obvious after playing all the content the game offers. There are layers and layers, and I don't want to come right out and say what I'm trying to say so to speak. haha

I'm actually on the hook to explain myself with the add ons (developer's commentary and designer's notebook), so all my secrets will be revealed in time. I was thinking about letting the work speak for itself and not saying the "true" meaning of anything, but that's not possible anymore. At least to me, the true meaning is in the emotions of the player, and that's what I'm focusing on.

In reading all that back, I realize I sound pretty pretentious... Whoops! I'm really down to earth - I promise!

Anyway, I'm glad they sound perfect to miumiaou.

[gagaplex]

Hm. Since we don't exactly know what it is you're trying to convey, it indeed is difficult to give suggestions.
I mean, if we change something stylistically but remove something important to the plot thereby, you'd obviously not want to take the suggestion. But we don't know what changes to avoid.
Maybe it'd be a good idea to approach somebody completely outside of these circles with it. Somebody you could tell what you mean to say to and have them help rewrite it? I dunno.
Or, you know, you could just leave it as you meant it to be and bank on the voice actors to deliver it the way you imagine it to sound and flow in your head. Adding pauses at the right time, putting in the right emphasis and so on... that can also make a huge difference to how it will sound to us, even without changing dialogue, necessarily.

[JPrice]

I stole Jprice's idea of cementing the fact that he's been in the asylum for a while. I thought that was a nice touch.

Hurray my suggestion got put into the game! I glad that I managed to help in some way haha

Back on topic though, I like the new changes and rewording of things now. Flows rather nicely

2) I totally realize that "Why am I here?" "Why do YOU think you're here?" seems weird

I can understand why people would think it's weird but I really liked the line because it was weird. Maybe it's just me hahaha

I think that even if the cutscenes are now longer, I don't think it'll act as a detriment to the atmosphere or mood. So you'll be fine with the slightly lengthened cutscenes!

[matt]

I'm not looking to rewrite the cutscenes from scratch or get a writer to touch them up. I am pretty happy with them in terms of communicating what they are meant to.

I am mostly just trying to find out if it sounds bad or awkward. As you guys pointed out, there were some really rough edges, so I wanted to fix it. Hopefully with the new scripts, I smoothed them over.