Dialog feedback!

[matt]

I created a poll that I probably should have put as part of the survey, but I didn't think about it. Maybe next time. (Also, stupid free survey monkey limits me to 10 questions... Lame!)

Basically, now that we have the dialog in, I wanted to get your suggestions for how to improve it besides the obvious get better voice actors.

Do any lines need tweaking? Let me know what you don't like and maybe suggest an improvement.

To give a little bit more background with the goal of dialog, they are supposed to be very Lynchian - weird nightmare conversations where it feels like you aren't talking to the same people. You have a conversation with your dead sister (psychiatrist?) and all she cares about is breakfast and sleep.

Your psychiatrist is cold, distant, and ignores you immediately following your (very brief) session.

Something I have been considering is something where you can go up to Doctor Smith and press interact, and she'll dismiss you some more. What do you think about that? I'm a bit torn because it would make her feel more like a real character and less gamey, but I like the total isolation you return to the second your session ends.

Thoughts?

[JPrice]

Well the dialogue I think is fine Just need to get some better voice actors really. I mean hey you could audition the forum then if you wanted hahaha Though I imagine you'd want professional people so

I would see if any lines needed tweaking but I'm not sure of the dialogue word for word but there was nothing that stood out to me as being bad so you should be fine with that. I do get across what you're saying though, the idea of not talking to the same person as before. That idea is very much instilled when you talk to the psychiatrist version of your sister, she seems a lot less sympathetic and cold I noticed. I think you should keep the idea of you not being able to interact with her actually as it suits her personality in that scenario, just being uninterested in the main character waiting for him to leave. Gives that cold atmosphere of being alone despite having another person literally a few feet in front of you.

So yeah the story/dialogue bits so far are great I think! Wonderful addition to the game hahaa

[matt]

I think you should keep the idea of you not being able to interact with her actually as it suits her personality in that scenario, just being uninterested in the main character waiting for him to leave. Gives that cold atmosphere of being alone despite having another person literally a few feet in front of you.

Cool! That's less work for me!

[loverofbooks]

I like the way the voices are now. Unless you really want to change who is speaking, i don't see a problem in the dialog.

[miumiaou]

The voice acting is good so why change it?

[gagaplex]

I'll go a bit against the opinions so far. Here's what I wrote in the other thread:

"2nd Level
The dialogue is odd, on purpose. Still, I don't think we need exposition to explain that Gabby is his sister. We gather that from the photo. I really liked her just standing there as Thomas woke up, though, that was creepy. Her actually talking made me feel less isolated, whereas her just standing there, looking, would be more disturbing while retaining the lack of interaction."

If there is to be actual dialogue between the two at this point, however intentionally odd and stilted, I would trim it down significantly. Remove the reference to being siblings, just lead in with the "keeping safe"-bit. Make it even less like a conversation if you keep it. Or just have her stare at Thomas for a moment.

Next interaction:

"4th Level
Ah, the psychiatrist. I wouldn't add further interaction with her, but maybe let us look at the book she's reading. What's on those pages? Gibberish? Insults towards Thomas? Mockery? Pictures of gruesome abominations?"

Here, I'd just recommend recording anew (with or without new voice actors, either's fine). Similarly to the first instance, I'd remove her outright stating she's his psychiatrist. Just have her tell him that "the session is over now; we'll continue from here in the next one" or something. I think it's gets the point across that she's his psychiatrist-except-not-really well enough if she just references sessions and maybe treatments without outright saying she's the psychiatrist (and without him outright saying she's his sister).

The family photo in the first level was exposition enough on that point, I feel, and considering this, these two dialogues were just a bit too redundant for my taste.

[Grabthehoopka]

I think that you actually have a really nice voice for the real low-intensity lines, when you aren't raising your voice. Towards the tail end of both conversations, you sound so sad and defeated. Still, I know you want to get voice actors and whatnot. Just saying.

As of now, I think the script needs work. You're trying to go for something more off-putting and vague, but it still feels like exposition. Important things you think we should know are spelled out for us rather swiftly.

Now, I still don't know the story, and I'm not trying in the slightest to speculate on what it might be, so take this with a grain of salt, but I tried my hand at rewriting the dialogue. Feel free to examine, criticize, ignore, whatever:

cutscene numero une:
*Thomas wakes up violently*

Gabby: Did you fall asleep? Again? You promised we would meet for breakfast!
Thomas: I'm sorry...I...you're alive!
Gabby: What do you mean I'm alive? Of course I am! Are you feeling alright?
Thomas: Yes...no...I'm sorry, I just had the most terrible nightmare. I dreamt you were dead!
Gabby: Hmm...
Thomas: I promised you'd be safe, but...there was blood...I could feel it, running on my fingers...
Gabby: I think...waffles.
Thomas: Huh?
Gabby: For breakfast, lughead! Belgian waffles. With lots of syrup! No, wait, I forgot, you don't like syrup.
Thomas: Gabby, I had a dream that you died!
Gabby: It was just a dream, Thomas. Remember what mom and dad used to say.
Thomas: It gets on my fingers.
Gabby: What?
Thomas: Syrup. It gets all over my fingers. That's why I don't like it.
Gabby: Well, I'll let you get dressed. Put on something warm, it's chilly out tonight.
Thomas: Wait!
Gabby: I'll be waiting for you, Thomas...

*exit Gabby*

cutscene numero deux:
*Thomas wakes up violently*

Gabby: Did you fall asleep? Again? That's the second time this week, Thomas.
Thomas: Gabby?
Gabby: You don't look like an insomniac to me. You're not lying to us again, are you?
Thomas: What? Where am I?
Gabby: I already told you, you're in a safe place. I'm your psychiatrist, Gabrielle. Remember me?
Thomas: Gabby, am I dreaming?
Gabby: No no no...for the last time, I'm not your sister, and please, call me Gabrielle.
Thomas: This is wrong. I'm not in a sanitarium, I'm at home, with you!
Gabby: Thomas, take it easy. We don't want another relapse. I want you to take a deep breath...and look at your hands.
Thomas: My hands? What's wrong with my hands? Nothing, they're fine, see?
Gabby: Oh, Thomas, Thomas...
Thomas: Gabby, let's go back home.
Gabby: You can never go back home, your brain isn't normal.
Thomas: No! I was there! I was home, and I was at your grave, where you belong!
Gabby: Thomas...
Thomas: No, wait...I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I killed you, Gabby.
Gabby: *deep breath* Thomas, I am asking you nicely. Please leave. I don't think I'm comfortable having these sessions with you anymore.
Thomas: We can have waffles, Gabby. With lots of syrup, as much as you want!
Gabby: Thomas. No.

So anyways, that's just my take on it, let me know what you think and what you're going for. I tried to give them a strange, multiple-trains-of-thought feel, like both characters thought they were having two different conversations, while still keeping it coherent, and I tried to give the information you presented us with through implication, rather than exposition. Writing weird dialogue is a painful tightrope walk between being vague and being stupid and nonsensical. I envy David Lynch. He can make anything (anything) uncomfortable, creepy, or disturbing, and he makes it all seem so effortless.

As for the debate on the Gabby Psychiatrist NPC, I think you should take the middle ground and have her interactive, but rather then saying anything, she just gives you a passive aggressive glare and goes back to her book, turning the page. I'd also be alright if there was a cutaway, like the ones in the first and second level, of her reading if you hit the interact button by her (but, you know, mo' assets, mo' problems).

[JPrice]

Alright let's get through the nitty gritty of this shall we!

First dialogue encounter
You're still sleeping? You promised we'd meet for breakfast.
- That line seems fine enough to me as it establishes as though nothing has really happened
I'm sorry...I...I just had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt you were dead.
- The idea behind the line is solid but the execution could probably be slightly changed, maybe something like "Huh what? Oh, I'm sorry...It's just that I had this terrible nightmare. I dreamt that you were dead..." Just to establish that Thomas is still composing himself after waking up from a terrible nightmare but then realising he's been asked a question snaps back into being composed but still shaken up.
That's silly. I'm fine. Besides, you always promised you'd take care of your little sister.
- Similar to the line before, good line but needs a little tweaking. Depending on how you want Gabby to be presented, if you want her to come across as quite innocent and charming then you could be like "Hehe that's silly. I'm fine Thomas. Besides you always promised that you'd take care of me." Just to add a bit of delight to her with a little giggle, also removing that sister bit as it comes across as a little exposition-y
That was when we were kids
- Nice line to show that he's reminiscing of the good times they had but also a little dismissive of her. Whether that be because he's not one to boast that he could protect her or maybe that he's just afraid that he can't protect her so he's trying to ground her by reminding her that he made that promise when they he was less rational and more immature, could go either way though so! But if you want to emphasis the bond that they both have together you could add like a little chuckle at the beginning just to establish that now that he sees her and is talking to her, especially after dreaming she was dead, he feels comfortable with her and relieved that she is actually OK. Just a suggestion though
It's still true, isn't it?
Nice follow up, showing Gabby's fear that Thomas doubts himself and wouldn't protect her.
Yeah...
Further emphasising the fear that he can't protect her with just a deflated "Yeah...", nice
You look tired. I'll wait outside so you can get some sleep
I feel like there's some dialogue that's either missing before or after this line, I'm not quite sure though why I feel this way. Maybe it's just me hahaha
I would pitch some new dialogue here but it's hard to do that without knowing the entire story so it probably wouldn't be very effective in the context of the entire game hahaa. Maybe something like this though perhaps:
"You look tired. I'll wait outside so you can get some sleep"
"Gabby please, I just dreamt you were dead...Could you please stay, even if it's for just a few minutes?"
"Oh don't be silly, you'll be fine once you've had some more sleep. You always loved your sleep when we were younger hehe" --Gabby proceeds to leave--- "Sweet dreams..." Then get up out of bed.
(I don't proclaim that I'm the best writer but I thought I could have a stab at it hahaha )

Second dialogue encounter
Gabby, wh...what's going on?
Good question Thomas hahaha
Please address me as Doctor Smith
I feel like she wouldn't say this if he's been at the psychiatrist for a while now, maybe something like "Now Thomas I've told you before, please address me as Doctor Smith". Just to imply that he's been there a while and it makes more sense that way.
But you're my sister!
I'm not sure about this line, I feel like stating outright that he's her sister seems a little on the nose but I get what the line is intended to achieve. Maybe you could change it to like "W-w-where am I?" as it makes sense that he's only just realised that he's in a completely different location to before (Just as another option though, you can keep the sister line if you like hahaa)
No I'm your doctor, and you're in a mental asylum
First part of the line is fine but the second half seems a little exposition-y. Perhaps you could change it to like "No I'm your doctor. You should know this, you have been here for quite some time" or going off the line I suggested earlier "You've been here for quite some time Thomas, you should know where you are."
Wh...why am I here?
Perfectly fine line I feel
Why do you think you're here?
Loved this line, perfectly vague and suspicious as to what's really going on. Alluding that this version of Gabby that Thomas is talking to now knows more than their letting on, great stuff
I don't know...
Good line although maybe to make it follow smoothly into the next line you could add like "I don't know...I just-" then get cut off by Gabby saying the next line
You've reached the end of your session. Please see yourself out.
I like the bluntness of this line, as if she doesn't care really.

Whew that was a lot to go through, I hope that some of it was useful hahaha
Again I don't proclaim that what I suggest is the best thing to do but I just thought I'd add my two cents into the topic on how I felt about the dialogue. Who knows maybe it'll help in the long term! Hahaha
So yeah the dialogue is mostly fine at the moment could just do with some minor tweaking I feel

[RightClickSaveAs]

Good points being made here. My biggest feedback would be what's been discussed already, the writing as it is sounds a bit too exposition-dumpy (if that's a word, I don't know if I'm in a position to give writing criticism ) If you could tweak it so it reads a little more naturally I think that would help a lot. As it is, I did get a kind of weird "the words sound a little unnatural" Silent Hill feel from it if that was intentional.

Don't be hard on yourself about the VO work, it sounds fine for temp VO

[matt]

Firstly, thank you for all who said I didn't need to find a professional VO actor. You are all very kind - perhaps too kind. I think I'd be much more comfortable with someone else doing it for the final game though. Plus, we'd want to rerecord it in a recording studio rather than with my webcam mic.

Hmm... I probably need to revisit the dialog. I wrote a bit about it in the kickstarter update. Just in case, you didn't read it there, let me copy it here.

I’ve gotten some feedback on the dialog as well. We have some story elements in the new build including dialog between characters (albeit with temp VO). It is supposed to be weird, awkward, and uncomfortable. It seems that some people think it’s too unnatural. I’m a bit on the fence about what to do. One of the major complaints is that it is almost all pure exposition. That was deliberate – any time spent in a cutscene is time you aren’t playing the game. In addition, any time a character is talking to you, that is time you aren’t feeling the oppressive loneliness that I want to be a central focus of the game. I intended them to essentially blurt out all the bullet points, so you can get back to playing in isolation.

I’ll have to give this more thought. Perhaps I can keep it brief and weird, but make it flow a little better. I guess my worry is that people will criticize the writing as bad when it is intentionally awkward. I suppose “it’s supposed to be bad” never really worked as an excuse for anyone else, so I’m not sure it’ll work for me either. :-/

You guys are clearly willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. so if you guys think it needs work, then I probably can't change it.

Grabthehoopka, while your dialog sounds much more conversational, I think it's too long and not awkward enough for what I am trying to accomplish. I should probably do lines that are less direct - as JPrice pointed out, I probably should change "and you're in a mental asylum".

"You look tired. I'll wait outside so you can get some sleep" was meant to be sort of weird and just cut off the conversation. It does, but I guess perhaps it does it too well.

I'll have to give this some thought on how I can preserve some of the weirdness but not quite as stilted.