Tubes in my arms
Posted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 1:35 pm
Well, someone's gotta start the first thread, so I figure I might as well share with the entire internet the worst recurring nightmare I've ever had.
First, a little background on the phobia that started this -
I have a handful of phobias, but nearing the top of the list, if not THE top of the list, is having needles and tubes stuck in my arms. Just to clarify, it's not just a phobia of needles. I can get vaccinations without breaking a sweat, but if I need to get a blood test, or anything that involves sticking a needle in my arm and then leaving it in there, I can't deal with. I refuse all blood tests when I can and when I do, I need to be held down. Like, I'm in my 20s, I'm a grown man, I'm not stupid, and I know that I'm making things worse, but I can't help but cry like a baby while that needle is in. And when I say cry, I don't mean like boo-hoo crying, I mean BAWLING, screaming and thrashing around. One time I thrashed around too hard and the needle slipped out, and I just pointed at the tube and screamed while blood dribbled down my arm. So, now I have to go with someone so they can help the doctor hold me down to keep my arm and shoulders stationary.
I've only had an IV once, and it was when I had my wisdom teeth removed. My dad warned the surgeons that I was going to freak out a little and advised them to slip me something before giving me the IV. They thought that nitrous oxide would be enough. They were wrong. The gave me the nose mask, but the nitrous didn't start working until right before they started putting the IV in, so rather than me being relaxed, I was doing the typical freakout stuff, crying and thrashing around, only now I was hysterically, uncontrollably laughing while I was doing it. It sucked. The funny thing about that was, my eyes were shut tight and the head surgeon was leaning over me trying to tell me to calm down, but I just kept freaking out. He said calm down, calm down, it's over. I asked him what he was talking about. He said that the operation was over. I opened my eyes and, other than being dizzy and drugged and all that, sure as hell, the tube was out of my arm. I wasn't cognizant of any time passing at all. I talked with the head surgeon afterwords until the feeling returned to my legs, and he said that it was precisely because of my fear that it didn't seem like any time passed. The average BPM for someone my age and body mass would be roughly 80, and I was in good shape, so it was probably closer to 70, but when they stuck the IV in my arm, I peaked somewhere in the high 180s. When they administered the anesthetic, my heart was beating so fast that it rocketed the drugs through my system and I lost consciousness about 2 seconds later. Despite everything, the anesthesiologist said he'd never seen someone go under so fast or so easily. It had happened so fast, in fact, that I had literally passed out in the middle of freaking out, regained consciousness, and then resumed freaking out, surprising everyone in the room. He showed me the printed readout of my EKG, and sure enough, it looked like someone had haphazardly scribbled back and forth with a pen across the grid, before abruptly straightening out into a steady, flat line with tall, thin peaks at regular intervals, and then, skipping a bit, turning back into a haphazard, back-and-forth scribble. He offered to give me a copy but I declined, which I regret, because I think I would have liked to frame it on my wall or something.
When I freak out, I tend to freak out everyone else in the room with me, and I've heard from a couple of doctors that, in their professional opinions, it looks like I'm having a PTSD episode. The first time I heard that, everything made sense. The earliest memory that I can recall is the aftermath of me almost drowning in my grandma's pool when I was 3 years old. I don't remember anything that happened before that, but I remember looking up into a bright light, surrounded by grown-ups, as they stuck a thumbtack in the back of my hand or wrist. I cried and tried to take it out, but they kept holding my hands down to prevent me from doing it. Now, obviously, I'm not remembering things 100% accurately, cause I was a tiny child and didn't know anything, but as far as I can tell, that's my earliest memory, and it was buried somewhere deep inside my brain until I needed to remember it.
So anywho, for a period of about a month, when i was in high school, no doubt triggered by some lingering trauma caused by the wisdom teeth operation, I had a nightmare every so often where I was in my biology class. We would be sitting down for lecture and then abruptly go to the lab, and my teacher would say my name and I would get up, and then all the lab stations would be surrounding me, in a circle. I would roll my sleeves up and tell them I didn't want them to take my blood, but all the students got up and stuck needles in both of my arms, and my blood traveled on long tubes down to what looked like chemistry sets or something at each station, where it poured into one of those aluminum drain pan things you put a turkey in when you roast it or put under your car when it's leaking oil, I don't know what they're called. I sit there and cry as they cut my blood with scalpels like jello, and burn my blood with hot copper wire. They shift the tables around, and the cords with my blood tangle up, but I'm in the center of everyone with my arms stuck out and I can't move, I can only try to move my arms around to prevent the needles from jerking them around too much. So, my blood pours and pours out, and I sit there with my knees to my chest and my feet crossed in front of me, and I start shriveling up. I get paler, smaller, flabbier, and wrinklier, and I cry with tangled tubes sticking out of my arms and my clothes start rotting off.
And that's usually it.
Well then! I've never told anyone about that dream before, but in the spirit of the project, I figured I should be more open.
First, a little background on the phobia that started this -
I have a handful of phobias, but nearing the top of the list, if not THE top of the list, is having needles and tubes stuck in my arms. Just to clarify, it's not just a phobia of needles. I can get vaccinations without breaking a sweat, but if I need to get a blood test, or anything that involves sticking a needle in my arm and then leaving it in there, I can't deal with. I refuse all blood tests when I can and when I do, I need to be held down. Like, I'm in my 20s, I'm a grown man, I'm not stupid, and I know that I'm making things worse, but I can't help but cry like a baby while that needle is in. And when I say cry, I don't mean like boo-hoo crying, I mean BAWLING, screaming and thrashing around. One time I thrashed around too hard and the needle slipped out, and I just pointed at the tube and screamed while blood dribbled down my arm. So, now I have to go with someone so they can help the doctor hold me down to keep my arm and shoulders stationary.
I've only had an IV once, and it was when I had my wisdom teeth removed. My dad warned the surgeons that I was going to freak out a little and advised them to slip me something before giving me the IV. They thought that nitrous oxide would be enough. They were wrong. The gave me the nose mask, but the nitrous didn't start working until right before they started putting the IV in, so rather than me being relaxed, I was doing the typical freakout stuff, crying and thrashing around, only now I was hysterically, uncontrollably laughing while I was doing it. It sucked. The funny thing about that was, my eyes were shut tight and the head surgeon was leaning over me trying to tell me to calm down, but I just kept freaking out. He said calm down, calm down, it's over. I asked him what he was talking about. He said that the operation was over. I opened my eyes and, other than being dizzy and drugged and all that, sure as hell, the tube was out of my arm. I wasn't cognizant of any time passing at all. I talked with the head surgeon afterwords until the feeling returned to my legs, and he said that it was precisely because of my fear that it didn't seem like any time passed. The average BPM for someone my age and body mass would be roughly 80, and I was in good shape, so it was probably closer to 70, but when they stuck the IV in my arm, I peaked somewhere in the high 180s. When they administered the anesthetic, my heart was beating so fast that it rocketed the drugs through my system and I lost consciousness about 2 seconds later. Despite everything, the anesthesiologist said he'd never seen someone go under so fast or so easily. It had happened so fast, in fact, that I had literally passed out in the middle of freaking out, regained consciousness, and then resumed freaking out, surprising everyone in the room. He showed me the printed readout of my EKG, and sure enough, it looked like someone had haphazardly scribbled back and forth with a pen across the grid, before abruptly straightening out into a steady, flat line with tall, thin peaks at regular intervals, and then, skipping a bit, turning back into a haphazard, back-and-forth scribble. He offered to give me a copy but I declined, which I regret, because I think I would have liked to frame it on my wall or something.
When I freak out, I tend to freak out everyone else in the room with me, and I've heard from a couple of doctors that, in their professional opinions, it looks like I'm having a PTSD episode. The first time I heard that, everything made sense. The earliest memory that I can recall is the aftermath of me almost drowning in my grandma's pool when I was 3 years old. I don't remember anything that happened before that, but I remember looking up into a bright light, surrounded by grown-ups, as they stuck a thumbtack in the back of my hand or wrist. I cried and tried to take it out, but they kept holding my hands down to prevent me from doing it. Now, obviously, I'm not remembering things 100% accurately, cause I was a tiny child and didn't know anything, but as far as I can tell, that's my earliest memory, and it was buried somewhere deep inside my brain until I needed to remember it.
So anywho, for a period of about a month, when i was in high school, no doubt triggered by some lingering trauma caused by the wisdom teeth operation, I had a nightmare every so often where I was in my biology class. We would be sitting down for lecture and then abruptly go to the lab, and my teacher would say my name and I would get up, and then all the lab stations would be surrounding me, in a circle. I would roll my sleeves up and tell them I didn't want them to take my blood, but all the students got up and stuck needles in both of my arms, and my blood traveled on long tubes down to what looked like chemistry sets or something at each station, where it poured into one of those aluminum drain pan things you put a turkey in when you roast it or put under your car when it's leaking oil, I don't know what they're called. I sit there and cry as they cut my blood with scalpels like jello, and burn my blood with hot copper wire. They shift the tables around, and the cords with my blood tangle up, but I'm in the center of everyone with my arms stuck out and I can't move, I can only try to move my arms around to prevent the needles from jerking them around too much. So, my blood pours and pours out, and I sit there with my knees to my chest and my feet crossed in front of me, and I start shriveling up. I get paler, smaller, flabbier, and wrinklier, and I cry with tangled tubes sticking out of my arms and my clothes start rotting off.
And that's usually it.
Well then! I've never told anyone about that dream before, but in the spirit of the project, I figured I should be more open.
