Infinitap Games

So here's the old script:
Lydia: "You're still sleeping? You promised we'd meet for breakfast."
Adam: "I'm sorry. I just had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt you were dead."
She responds, "That's silly - I'm fine! Besides - you always promised you'd take care of your little sister."
Adam: "That was when we were kids."
Lydia: "It's still true, isn't it?
Adam: "Yeah."
Lydia: "I'm sorry! You look tired. I'll wait outside, so you can get some sleep."

Here's the new script:
Lydia: "You're still sleeping? You promised we'd meet for breakfast."
Adam: "Huh? Oh..."
Lydia: "Are you okay? You look upset."
Adam: "I just had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt you were dead."
She responds, "That's silly - I'm fine! Besides - you always promised you'd take care of your little sister."
Adam: "That was when we were kids."
Lydia: "It's still true, isn't it?
Adam: "Yeah."
Lydia: "Why don't you try to get back to sleep? I'll wait outside."

Firstly, thanks to everyone who offered suggestions on the script rewrite. I kept it mostly the same because there were good reasons for every line I had in the old one, but I tried to improve the flow. If you are curious about my reasoning for the old script, I recorded a developer diary that analyzes it line by line. I'll probably upload it tomorrow, so I won't go into too much detail here.

Basically, it seemed like there were two weird points with the dialog that caused the most problems. I hopefully ironed them out. What do you guys think? Is in an improvement? Do you think this is good enough or is there something else you'd like to see changed?

Thanks!

It's hard to say now, it'll be a bit easier to tell once we hear it and see it in action, but it does seem like an improvement!

Hmmmm yes
I think it is an improvement over the previous script!

Also considering that you wanted to keep it as close to original script as possible, I think that you've made probably the best edit of it, nice one

Thanks! I really like the coldness and disinterest of Dr. Smith in the other cutscene, so I'll probably change less, but I hope I'll be able to smooth it out bit.

Does anyone else have any feedback on the new script?

Yeah, that sounds like it will flow better!

One thing I've never been sure about, when she says "I'll wait outside" I don't know what she means. The word choice of "outside" throws me off, does she mean outside the room, outside the house? BUT! That made me start thinking, maybe you meant for it to be vague. If so, then carry on, because it works

Hmmm... I don't think it was supposed to be vague... It is supposed to be kind of weird though. I meant it for waiting outside the room rather than outside the house, but the whole exchange is weird because she came in your room uninvited and was presumably watching you sleep or something, and then she leaves without you getting another word in...

Is there some way that might be better to say that she would be waiting outside the bedroom? Perhaps as you said, it does work as being vague since she definitely isn't outside your room, but it'd be good to have some ideas for alternatives.

I think the wording works fine as it is. While saying "outside" is rather vague and doesn't necessarily state that she's going to be outside your room, there's still the possibility that she might be. So I think you're OK with that line, any other additions/changes that I can think it would probably make it sound worse so hahaha

What about something like "in the hall"? Assuming it's still a hallway when you leave the room, hah.

JPrice wrote:I think the wording works fine as it is. While saying "outside" is rather vague and doesn't necessarily state that she's going to be outside your room, there's still the possibility that she might be. So I think you're OK with that line, any other additions/changes that I can think it would probably make it sound worse so hahaha

This is a good point. I'm probably overthinking the word, and either way, she's not either of those places when you leave the room, so it adds to the weirdness.

It would be pretty weird if she did wait right outside your door while you slept for another hour, haha.

That would be pretty weird. Maybe she brought a book. hahaha